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firepaw66
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Name: Courtney
Location: Houston, Texas, United States
Birthday: 1/23/1992
Gender: Female
Interests: Egypt, mythology, friends, burning my school, killing stupid teachers, art, art history, manga, anime, my comics, my stories, IM, internet, music, animals, drawing, being stupid, video games, reading...
Expertise: sleeping, writing, friendship, hardship?, art, music, always knowing what to say, math?, video games, computers, friendships, DRAMA!!!
Occupation: Student/ninja under yo bed!
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  warriorcas
MSN: firepaw66@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  firepaw66
Member Since:
3/22/2005
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| I hate it here. I hate it there. Where's a middle ground? Wheres happiness? Why is just letting me be a little happy so bad? Im so tired of it always being bad. I'm tired of being hated by all of these people for the most mediocre things. I only care about one thing at this point. My escape. Forget all of you, you're just trying to hold me back. Its always the same thing with ppl these days they only care about there cold black hearts no one cares about anyone anymore. Why even reach out? I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the road lately. Like tall that time that I was happy well when it ended where did I go? I haven't written in months in fact I want to just delete it. It's pointless. So where did I go? Where did all the things that were always there to let me escape go? I feel so empty, and I fucking hate it. | | |
| You're pissing me off!! Take a hint, I don't want you around me. Ever since school started you've been getting worse and worse. Get the fuck over yourself. Even Daisy can see how stupid you're being. Why does everyone want to control me? I'm so sick of everyone wanting to dictate my every move. Im so tired of it. I just want to be in control of myself, but there in lies the problem. I'm so afraid to take control of my own life because then what if I become like her where I have to be in control of everything? What if I can't let go of control? Then I'll become everything I hate and told myself everyday what I wouldn't be. Why the fuck can't you just let me live my own god damn life my fucking way?! Why does it matter to you if I don't want to eat meat? Why does it matter if I want to listen to the Beatles? Why does it matter if I'm going out for dinner? IT FUCKING DOESN'T!!! You fucking bitch! So both of you shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of my lives cuz im better with out all of you psychotic assholes in my life.
~Lucy | | |
| I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try
So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to
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| It's over. I talked to him. Im not sure how to feel tho. I feel empty and lied to and very hurt. More so then i think i ever have in my whole life. I feel worse then when Michael said it then again thats prob cuz this whole time i thought Alex was telling the truth then again it might have been just the fact he said the exact same thing that Michael told me. Word for word, i swear. "I was trying to make myself like you." All i can think of at this point is what the hell is wrong with me that the only two people in this world that ive ever trusted like this will break me in the same exact way. I want to curl up and die. I want to cut open every vein in my body and feel that sweet kiss of excruciating pain suck the "life" from my body and soul. I want it to stop. It's all such a whirlwind flying through my head. He told me he hated me. Then he gave me the worst reasons ive ever heard. 1. I ask his opinion on too many things 2. im too nice and forgiving 3. that i tell him when i have a bad day. So i yelled at him for saying he hated me cuz of such stupid things. Thats when i made him say it. "I.... hate.... you...." just like that. He tried to take it back but whats done is done. He told me he didn't feel anything at the thought of loosing me. Right about now i just want to swallow every bottle of pills i can find. I just want to die. I yell more. Then he wants to take it back, take it all back. He no longer feels nothing to the thought of loosing me. Things settle down as i talked to him for the 100th time about the way he treats everyone. Will it sink in this time? I have no idea... Things pick up again when he peels that " i just want us to be friends" I yelled more. After all how can he tell me that? All we've ever been is friends. Then i demanded to be told why for the last two years that he did this to me. He said he didn't kno, over and over. Then he said it. "I guess i was just trying to find out if you were right for me." I imagine this is what it feel like to be struck by lightening. But he goes on, no he can't stop there. I demand to kno why he did this for two years he "just had to be sure" that i was wrong for him. I told him we weren't good and that we may never be cuz i don't kno if i can or if i even want to forgive him. I dont want to, at least right now. Right now i dont even want to get out of bed or off the floor. I just want to lay there crying, wishing i die. Because now evrey moment in my life where i thought i was happy was a lie. I dont want to do this anymore. I so stupid. I fucking hate myself. I hate the way hes treated me. I hate everything at this point. I feel so alone. So ugly. So stupid. So fucking worthless. All lies. Every damn moment. Nothing matters anymore. Im tired of trying. Im just tired of it all. He wants to fix it but i think the damage is done. I don't think there is a way to fix this.
~Lucy~
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| There's a lot on my mind. That might be why I can't seem to sleep. What has it been 3 days? After today I should be exhausted yet i barely feel tired at all. The fact that Thera is leaving in really only a few hours is so unreal to me. She's become such a part of my life. It will be hard to lose her. Today was her last minute going away party. Even tho she didn't really have much input into it and it was more her host family's friends. It was fun. Fun i really needed. I wonder if it was fun just because Alex wasnt there. On the way home I was thinking about how things would have been different had he been there. Im sure that in his head he would think that he was having fun, and maybe to him he would be, but to the rest of the ppl there he would have been a buzz kill who didn't want to do anything and wouldn't talk and just sat around and glared and made everyone just a little less happy. In his head tho he sees everything as "I'm just trying to have a good time." Even if I try to nicely tell him that maybe he's going about that the wrong way. Even though this is how things would have gone down and deep down everyone knew it. It didn't stop everyone, almost, from asking me where he was and why he didn't come. In fact for a good part of the beginning of the party he was the whole subject. I say almost because one person didn't want him there. Salvador. This kind of supprised me since they're so close, well close in Alex terms. Salvador was joking around with me on the porch saying about how he hadn't seen me with curly hair in such a long time and asked if I was the fun Courtney. I answered by saying "I'm the real Courtney, the one that doesn't have to deal with Alex's shit for a few days." Later right before we all said bye Alex got brought up again and Thera expressed how she missed him in a wired way, and Salvador said he didn't. Only because every time Alex is around he ruins everything for not just me but all of us and that he doesn't ever seem to care. The sad truth is that that's exactly right. Still everyone wanted him there cause he's their friend, even if it meant giving up some of their happiness. Without him there it seemed strangely empty. We all knew it. This was true for everyone that didn't show up. From Jerry to Vikki and darling trust me we wanted you there but my phone was dead =[ It was fun, and drastically sad. We all went ther knowing that it would prob be the last time we ever see Thera. Although this didn't stop Cynthia from running off only an hour after arriving (late) to the movies with her bf. Some friend. By the end of the night u could really see how much Thera was already going to miss being here, and we only felt a small piece of how much we'll miss her. Besides her party today I saw her for the first time since school ended on Thursday. It was a long ordeal that went just like any of day out. A hot but some how enjoyable ride with Sal and everyone to the movies. A good movie but slight drama with Alex, pics afterwords, and then killing time cuz none of us wanted to say bye. And of course its around this time Alex started to really act like a dick. Not just to me by hitting me in the mouth but also just by being a dick when we were all just trying to hang out and have fun. Not only that there's the always great getting out of the car part of the night. Fallowed by hours of crying for yet another tainted memory. Alex has been on my mind a lot since school ended, but not in the way you all might think. I keep thinking about what i mean to him and how he treats me. I can give up many many examples, but you've been there. You kno the examples. You kno the stories. Cynthia has been taking Alex's side for a long time now and up until about a month ago she had at least a small point in my head, he has been trying to change and has made a lot of progress. Like a said tho this was until about a month ago. It all started with prom (yes i kno) we had a deal. A deal he conveniently forgot. That if he made me cry at prom he would have to deal with whatever the consequences were (without bitching) not only was he unable to to do that. When I told him that he was to do just 1 simple nice thing to show that i meant something to him... He didn't and played it off as nothing. Im sorry maybe im stupid, but the fact that he couldn't just do one nice thing for me really upsets me. Also whenever i asked him about what he was going to do and when i reminded him about the apraching deadline he would say "Im working on it" or that he was just geting the last parts together. Im not stupid. I knew he was lying, but at this point in the game why not just elt the boy shoot himself in the foot. He doesn't care. I kno it was something stupid to him that he was going to blow off from the start but damn it it meant something to me! Im tired of going through this every damn time I go out. Im tired of the same thing. I wish we could just be friends, but he doesn't want that. Ok, he does, but he doesn't... you know what i mean? He treats me like crap. He doesn't treat anyone else like this. Then he gets all upset, but he never seems to get it. I don't know. I just can't keep doing this. Honestly, I just want my stuff back and I want him out of my life. Yet i still wish we could be friends....
~Lucy~
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time I do
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
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